Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Idle Minds

It must be some kind of winter cabin fever. Dooley the dog and I have been doing

silly things and thinking silly thoughts. Here are some examples.

Dooley has been practicing his animal calls. He is certain it will make him a better hunter. He ran through his repertoire for me last night which included squirrel, rabbit and turkey calls. They were actually pretty good. I didn’t have the heart to tell him they were all warning and distress calls (which is all he ever hears).

I wrote a letter to the county tax assessor complaining that my mountainous land should be taxed less than people with flat land because my 500 acres takes up less space on earth than someone with five hundred acres on flat land. I’m surprised some politician hasn’t come up with a way to tax land on the basis of volume which would probably increase my taxes ten-fold.

Dooley and I spent a day panning for gold in the creek just below the waterfall. We didn’t find gold, but we found a big lump of gray clay. I made an ashtray for my Swisher Sweet Double Barrel Rum Outlaw Cigars and Dooley sculpted a 5 piece cheeseburger complete with onion slice and dill pickle chips.

I have been trying to duplicate a shot my granddad used to make on a regular basis with a Crossman 101 22 cal. pellet gun from the 1930’s. The gun is over 80 years old and still shoots great. He could shoot a playing card in half edgewise from about 50 feet. So far I have nicked the card but haven’t split it. I tried to shoot an acorn off of Dooley’s head but he got distracted and walked off.

We tried to come up with a way to create a plausible big foot or UFO sighting on our property but we got into an argument over who would wear the costume and who would take the picture.

Dooley bet me he could get to town quicker by going over the mountains than I could by driving the roads. He would start on the porch and I would start out in bed. As soon as my foot hit the floor he would start. I had to get dressed (including socks), walk to the truck and drive a safe speed which he would later verify using the GPS in my truck. I won the race by almost ten minutes. I was shocked he hadn’t hidden my keys or hitched a ride on Bette’s mail truck. Since it had been a gentleman’s bet (no wager) he had been completely fair. I suspect if the bet had involved bacon the outcome may have been different.

We tied a paper bag full of table scraps to a tree not far from the cabin and sat on the porch and watched as a raccoon showed up to dine. We put a Coleman lantern on the ground between us and the tree. The bright light of the lantern from the raccoon’s point of view made us invisible in the darkness behind. At first he climbed the tree and fished things out from the top of the bag which he would drop to the ground, climb down and check for value. He did this several times. Later he discovered he could just rip a hole in the bottom of the bag and everything would come out at once. We are anxious to try the experiment again in a week or so to see if he remembers what he learned.

Lastly, Deputy Agent Anthony Mullins of Homeland Security has instructed me to explain to any readers I might have that it is not funny in written form (a letter) or for that matter, any form, to request military and law enforcement aid in repelling an impending alien invasion across fenced borders when one is actually referring to garden pests. It was Dooley’s idea, I swear.

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